Dear Authentic Self


Dear Authentic Self,

I wish I learned about you sooner.

There are a lot of times that I tried to ignore you and listened to what other people will say. I thought that knowing you could kill me but when I realized that I was living for others, I wish I listened to you.

It’s not easy to accept my flaws – the reason why I can’t stand in front of the mirror and look at you. You remind me of a person who’s weak and imperfect. I thought that the only way to get rid of you is to run away from you.

The bruises and scratches were not intended for me.

It was out of hard work of becoming somebody else.

I tried to be busy ignoring that I have to be you in order to be strong. Who would love such selfish and self centered person, right? Who only thinks of herself and is not open to other people’s opinion?

So I keep giving more than I have. I keep pleasing others. I live wearing other people’s shoes.

I thought that becoming other people, so perfect and ideal, is the only way to live a fulfilled life.

But I was wrong.

The bruises and scratches were not intended for me. It was out of hard work of becoming somebody else.

I should have listened to you.

I should have known you.

I should accept who you really are.

And that true love is willing to accept your flaws and shortcomings.

I hope it’s not too late to know you better.

I am tired hiding behind people’s back – dictating who I am and who I needed to be.

I want to know you, the things you can do and how you will figure out accepting your weaknesses.

I know you can always do something about it.

You can do something good out of the bad.

I want to be you. I want to be as real as you. I want to finally set myself free.

And accept that I am born in a special and unique way. I am born through the image and likeness of God the father.

I want to be you. I want to be as real as you. I want to finally set myself free.

I am born to be as authentic as you are!


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Please choose to live.

*gasping*

I heard my body saying, “I’m in pain.”

My heart cried out loud saying, “I’m in pain too.”

While my mind stopped working and remained quiet.

I guess I’m in pain.

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Despite the long list of contacts in my phone, I feel alone.

I don’t have anyone to call or run or go to.

So instead of mourning I preferred to listen to my breathing.

*gasping*

And I can’t stop the tapes in my mind asking, “How long should I carry on?”

I know this sounds familiar to you.

This might be your story too.

You are exhausted somewhere and you feel like you are losing your breath.

You want to beat it but you feel like it’s winning.

Different noises started saying ” Give up”, “Don’t fight anymore”, and “Just end it”.

And I know you are battling this over and over again.

I don’t know what kind of pain you’re experiencing right now.

I don’t know how long you can handle it.

But all I know is, we can’t give up.

Not now.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

Not unless He permits.

Other people in their deathbead wanted a life like ours.

Wanted a life like mine.

We always have options whenever life seems dark, quiet and empty.

Listen to music.

Enter an art class.

Dance.

Sing.

Be who you really are.

And shut the noise by proving it wrong and not ending your life.

You’re gonna make it.
You’re not weak.
You’re enough.
You will fail but you’re not a complete failure.

I know His plans are taking too long, but please journey with me and let’s wait together..

We owe ourselves a brighter future.

We can Kill the GIANTS.
I hope you choose to still live.

Kiss and Cry

I was sitting in the corner of my bed, closing the book I’m done reading, wondering what if today is the end of my life?

What if today I am about to lose someone dearly to me?

What if today I lose everything I have?

When I realized I was surrounded with people who’s older and wiser than me, I realized what if we become old and I will be left with no one but a bunch of funerals to attend to?

What if one day, all of a sudden, i will not just be sitting in the corner of my bed but rather at one of the white seats in a field wearing either white or black.

I got scared honestly.

I don’t want that day to come.

I don’t know if I’m just highly emotionally and mentally unstable right now, but I’m really into these deep scary thoughts.

Maybe I really fear death.

I fear the death of my dreams; The ones i really pursued and fight for.

I fear death of a love one; I still have a lot of love I to give.

I fear my own death ; I’m not yet done saying love you and I’m sorry to the people i truly cared for.

This deep scary thoughts made me appreciate to live life to the fullest.

To live life as if it’s the last.

To make sure to do things right and less complicated.

To always look for alternatives to help before it’s too late.

So to you who’s reading this,

Embrace life’s flaws and little perfections.

The hardships and the victories.

The sadness and the triumphs.

The fall and the resurrection.

Live happy every single day.

“Treat Funerals like Triumphs” – Kiss and Cry, 2017

Thank You for your wonderful story Carly Allison

To the Best story never told

You are God’s greatest gift to me.

To the best story never told, I want you to know that you are the greatest story I will always thank God for.

The beauty of us ending such a beautiful story for a greater good is what truly defines unconditional love.

You once told me that the reason why you are letting me go is because God said, “It’s time.”

It’s time to stop being selfish.
It’s time to restore freedom and gain forgiveness.
It’s time to rebuild self and heal the wounds.

It’s time to put Him truly in the center.

You said that a beautiful story shouldn’t end as tragic as the other relationships we had and that letting me go for His glory is nothing but a happy thought.

You will always be the best story never told but always felt.

I will always remember.

I will always cherish.

You will always be the person who brings me the happiest and most special memories I will be forever grateful.

You are the best person I will forever cherish
And not a single memory will ever be wasted.

I am happy I found unconditional love from you.

To the lead star of the story never told, you are brave, you are kind, you are courageous, you are a soul saver and you are better than what you think.

Despite the choice of yours to keep you behind the curtain, I will grab this opportunity to thank you for being God’s perfect example of His love for me.

I know that the journey will be hard; getting over someone who never did wrong but wish you the best.

But I will still take the challenge and stand up for God’s story is not yet over.

I know He has something for you at the end of the tunnel as He has planned for my life too.

We are going to get through this.

I know in His own perfect time, His happily ever after for our lives will be revealed.

What’s Next?

What’s next after a life changing event in your life?

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Maybe you are thinking what will happen next after you attended a transformative seminar/workshop, a retreat, a life changing event or activity. Maybe you are asking, How will I able to sustain the fire from burning? The fuel to drive? What will make it constant? Can this last forever?

Well, here’s the truth.

It’s a choice you must make everyday.

Just like the plants, some can survive without water for 1 day or two but the next day, it cannot unless someone will pour water in them and put them under sunlight.

The good news is, you are not a plant, you are a human- reading this blog, capable of understanding. You have to put yourself under water and sunlight.

What are the activities that could sustain my positive outlook in life?

What can I do more to love myself more?

What other seminars or workshops could help me with my growth holistically?

What could make my life better?

The fire will lose it’s burning in a couple of weeks.

The fuel will run dry after an extreme use of exaggerated feelings.

Situations will not change.

People will go on with their lives.

Traffic will continue to be unbearable.

Your salary won’t increase.

The world will not stop revolving just because you feel your life changed.

You have to choose change everyday.

And it all starts within you.

Live everyday of your life as if it was the last.

So, why not start hiking? Taking adventure trips? Taking a nature trip day off?  Do Road trip alone or with the people you value the most?

Why not spoil your family with chips and date night over a movie marathon at home?

Why not spread positive comments on your friends over Facebook?

Why not look for a spiritual community where you can grow holistically?

Your choice matters every day.

I hope you get answers really soon.

Live happy.

God Bless!

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Lessons from the movie, Wonder

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After watching the wonder movie, I realized that we all have stories to tell. We have actually great stories to make that can change someone’s life. We may find it boring or not very interesting, but, our story can actually finish the other. Our story is too powerful that it can even save or break others.

Bullying is rampant not only in schools but also at work. Maybe, because they want to be a person of authority and they have defended themselves all the way to be on top. While, others, are just born that way. Nah. I don’t believe that.

We are all products of our choices.

We choose what happens next so, if we choose to bully it’s either of the two things: we get bullied so much we don’t want it to happen again or we want to fight back through other’s who cannot even defend themselves. The cycle goes on until someone will actually stood up. I remembered Mr. Browne’s September Precept in the movie, When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind.

Always Choose kind.

It may not always be acceptable for the society or may please others. But it will make you feel fulfilled and contented.

That’s what really important.

Now, another part of the movie I love is the lesson that there are always two sides of the story. We all wanted to be heard but not everyone is willing to understand the situations. We are all busy explaining ourselves that we tend to forget to listen.

Incase, I did it to you.

I am sorry. I am really sorry.

I survived may elementary days, being the nicest and the kindest among the class. I am not making myself a superstar here but this is true. I talk to everyone in the class or in the school. I make friends. I hate bullies. Yes, sounds perfect but, because of this I also have to please everyone. I need to maintain being likable. And, in order for people to notice me more, I hyperventilate every time I am caught in a situation I can’t solve. Incase, you experience drawing air from a paper bag, yes, that was you getting all the stress and you feel like you needed love.

So, I used to be a people pleaser. I over think when people started to think I’m wrong or when others are doing the bad things. I became a perfectionist. I always wanted to be right. Maybe that’s why I lost one of my dearest friends.

I never listened.

Because I am the nicest person, I gave myself the right to be angry to anyone and for how long I want.

It was hard for me to build bridges that time.

And up to this day, I have the tendency not to forget things that made me hurt and feel so bad.

But thank God for chances!

I grew up. And I know I still have to work on with that.

It includes listening to the other part of the story all the time.

You may not like the old me. Maybe, I spoil your ideal thoughts about me.

But Hey, Thank You. Thank You for listening to a part of my story.

For actually reading this, and for making me feel like I have someone who actually cares.

The heart is the map that shows us where we’re going, and the physical (face) shows us where we’ve been.

Thank You for being part of the map!

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Take care of your relationships because if you don’t…

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Right after the retreat, my life changed. I told myself maybe it’s time to apologize for the people I always neglect, disregard and overlook. It’s time to say “I’m sorry and thank you” for the people who always go extra mile for me. It’s time for me to stop thinking about others and be honest if there are concerns I want to raise.

I needed to stop people from taking over my life when I have also the mind to decide and heart to know.

So, i wrote a long message to a friend who’s always there for me through my ups and downs since college. I wanted to apologize for running away instead of telling her that I can decide on my own. Eversince my heart got broken, She protected and guarded me. She is always there, watching my back, wanting me to end up with a prince charming. She was my sister and mother at the same time, telling me advice and preventing me from doing something stupid.

She was my knight in shining armor when I felt the world betrayed me, and my crying shoulder when I felt I was cheated. She was my bestfriend. I feel so lucky! But I know I wasnt like that to her. I wasn’t there when things goes wrong for her. I can’t t even cancel my agendas when she needed someone to pick her up. I wasn’t even as helpful as she is.

But instead of being grateful, I felt restrained, confused and indecisive everytime she decides for me. So, I stop telling her how my day was, just like before; the couple of dates I had after I survived my rockbottom, the roses I got and the survival moves I have to do on my new job. I stop telling her the things I thought she would hinder.

I feel bad. Awful.

I wanted to enter a new life where I still want her to be part of. But I think it’s too late when I hit the send button.

Love turned to hate.

It didnt turned well. We keep on sending hate messages. I want to be understood. She wanted to be heard.

There are so many buried resentments that came out, long overdue to fix.

In short, we broke up. The friendship has fallen.

We both have regrets, disappointments, we have hate and we are both want to be right.

Pride.

I wish it ended well.

I wish she just accepted my apologies and moved forward.

I wished I could write our ending just like any of my blogs.

But, God has his own reasons and timing which I still hold onto.

And I don’t want to live life with hate and regrets anymore.

If a friend didn’t let me go, I will never learn to stood up with my decisions. To speak up what i want. To love myself enough. To decide for myself and jump into my crazy ideas.

If I didn’t let her go, she would always stay by my side. She will never experience winter and fall. She will never let go of the bad memories and leave it all behind.

I am looking forward for your happiness, T!
I am so proud of you.

And for you who’s reading this, Take care of your relationships.
Figure out who is real. Who truly loves you. And I hope you don’t need to lose one to be a better one.

God Bless your relationships!

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