Right after the retreat, my life changed. I told myself maybe it’s time to apologize for the people I always neglect, disregard and overlook. It’s time to say “I’m sorry and thank you” for the people who always go extra mile for me. It’s time for me to stop thinking about others and be honest if there are concerns I want to raise.
I needed to stop people from taking over my life when I have also the mind to decide and heart to know.
So, i wrote a long message to a friend who’s always there for me through my ups and downs since college. I wanted to apologize for running away instead of telling her that I can decide on my own. Eversince my heart got broken, She protected and guarded me. She is always there, watching my back, wanting me to end up with a prince charming. She was my sister and mother at the same time, telling me advice and preventing me from doing something stupid.
She was my knight in shining armor when I felt the world betrayed me, and my crying shoulder when I felt I was cheated. She was my bestfriend. I feel so lucky! But I know I wasnt like that to her. I wasn’t there when things goes wrong for her. I can’t t even cancel my agendas when she needed someone to pick her up. I wasn’t even as helpful as she is.
But instead of being grateful, I felt restrained, confused and indecisive everytime she decides for me. So, I stop telling her how my day was, just like before; the couple of dates I had after I survived my rockbottom, the roses I got and the survival moves I have to do on my new job. I stop telling her the things I thought she would hinder.
I feel bad. Awful.
I wanted to enter a new life where I still want her to be part of. But I think it’s too late when I hit the send button.
Love turned to hate.
It didnt turned well. We keep on sending hate messages. I want to be understood. She wanted to be heard.
There are so many buried resentments that came out, long overdue to fix.
In short, we broke up. The friendship has fallen.
We both have regrets, disappointments, we have hate and we are both want to be right.
I wish it ended well.
I wish she just accepted my apologies and moved forward.
I wished I could write our ending just like any of my blogs.
But, God has his own reasons and timing which I still hold onto.
And I don’t want to live life with hate and regrets anymore.
If a friend didn’t let me go, I will never learn to stood up with my decisions. To speak up what i want. To love myself enough. To decide for myself and jump into my crazy ideas.
If I didn’t let her go, she would always stay by my side. She will never experience winter and fall. She will never let go of the bad memories and leave it all behind.
I am looking forward for your happiness, T!
I am so proud of you.
And for you who’s reading this, Take care of your relationships.
Figure out who is real. Who truly loves you. And I hope you don’t need to lose one to be a better one.
God Bless your relationships!