It was between 8-9pm, I was lying down in a couch staring into the eyes of a person I can’t reveal who and my eyes started to get teary.
I closed my eyes and I felt my heart was about to fall from chest down to the floor.
“Now I Know Why”
Now I know why I feel so lost these past few days, why I felt a portion of my life is about to crash. Why I felt my world is about to turn upside down.
It’s all about FEARS.
Given we are all afraid of something. We are afraid of the things we know are about to happen and for the things that we assume might happen. We have all those fears.
But this time it’s different.
Now, I know why I can’t move forward in life despite the small victories and successes.
Now, I figured out why after 26 years I still feel I am not there yet. I haven’t achieved anything.
My career life is not yet the “bang” in my own version of Big Bang theory.
I am afraid that I might not reach people’s expectations of me.
When I was in grade school, they call me Ms. Congeniality.
I make friends. A really good numbers of friends.
Maybe that’s why I always win the student government elections.
I am popular because I told myself “I have to be the good kid”
I may not be the smartest, but at least the good kid.
I always want to please people. I allowed them to dictate to me who I should be.
The Best Dancer.
A Student Government officer.
I became the jack of all trades.
And now, it boils down to “what’s next after I become all these?”
Let’s go back to the crying part, where I got the answer I’ve been looking my whole life.
Why I feel lost, I feel unsuccessful, why I feel I am at the dead end.
If your story is you are born with parents or single achieving so much in life, I feel you.
I allowed myself to feel that whatever I do will reflect to the achievements my family has.
I allowed the noise to rule my life and became everyone wants me to be.,
And now I am tired.
I am tired becoming what everyone wants me to be.
I can’t be a superhero all the time.
I will never be someone else.
I can’t always win in life
And not all my prayers can be answered.
Today, I figured out that resigning from a good job to find myself might be a bittersweet decision after all.
It can either be a sweet victory or a 360 degree kind of ending; But whatever it is, at least this time I will live a life I chose.
It’s time to start deciding what I really what to do with my life.
How I really want to spend it.
How I want to live it.
If today or tomorrow, I will choose to do something crazy, something unusual, not part of the norm or something everyone is expecting, I’ll stop thinking what others will think.
Today, I choose my life.
I chose God as my shield and protector.
God Bless You!